finding my way through the haze

its been two months of the craziest rollercoaster i ever could have imagined. but i suppose i won't know if i'll regret it until the next two months are done.
all i know is that i miss the london crew, but i don't miss london - i'm loving toronto way too much.
i started smoking again
i picked up all my bad habits since i've been home
smoking.drinking.drugs.bad judgment.you.
these habits mixed together make for one crazy cocktail which tastes so sweet going down, but we'll see what the hangover's like when these four months are done.

listen

We're so helpless
We're slaves to our own forces
We're afraid of our emotions
No one, knows where the shore is
We're divided by the ocean
And the only thing I know is
The answer it isn't for us
No the answer isn't for us

I'm sorry, two words
I always think after, oh after you're gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong

We don't need to say goodbye
We don't need to fight and cry
No we, we could, we could hold each other tight
Tonight...


Feist 'so sorry'

who you callin crazy?

what a long day at work it was today, my feet were sore and my stomach ached as i was on my way home. suddenly i hear a voice over the subway kicking us all out at christie station, the train is shutting down so we must wait for the next. as i'm waiting on the bus platform, your everyday toronto homeless man begins walking along the platform asking for money. as he approaches the area i'm standing in, a crowd of obnoxious teenagers begin yelling at the man to get a job. suddenly this entire area of the platform is erupting into a series of jeers directed towards this homeless man and cheering one another on in their insensitive comments.
if you don't want to give a homeless person any change, that's completely your business and i'm not going to rag on you for that. to be honest i very rarely give my change away, i do however give away boxes of cookies (that's another story). BUT why would anyone laugh and ridicule a man begging you for money on a subway platform. the reaction from this particular section on the platform was completely unnecessary and the people standing there got some pretty nasty looks from other ttc passengers. i was shocked AND appalled and like many others on that platform felt my heart strings tug a little and dropped what little change i had into the man's hands.
i couldn't believe the disrespect
and these assholes were calling the homeless man crazy? i think you've gotta be pretty crazy to shout some obcensities at a defenseless stranger.

raw

i've been working downtown for the last week or so, doing exactly what i wanted. working at queen and spadina at a clothing store, breathing in the life and exploring as much as i can. although i'm doing everything i wanted to be doing, there still seems to be a pretty big void. there are so many things i want to do this summer, art festivals, photography exhibitions, concerts, dj shows, restaurants and bars/lounges to go to. so much to do and all the time in the world to do it, but no one else who will want to join me. i think that might be my biggest problem with etobicoke, it's not difficult to go downtown and to do things, the problem is finding people who have also been willing to escape the bubble that is etobs.
i once had someone who was willing to come with me to do all of these things, he would come with me to the shows and the art galleries, we'd stand and stare at beautiful art together and then sit with yummy chai lattes while we discussed them all. we'd go to the shows hopped up on drugs and dance together without a care in the world. it didn't matter what anyone else wanted to do, we could do it together.
my problem isn't getting downtown this summer
my problem isn't etobicoke this summer
my problem is not having you this summer to do all the things i want
my problem is that you will get to do all the things we would have done together, but with someone else.
that void i'm feeling is the hole from not having you.

etobicoke is...

suffocating
stiffles the soul
responsible for agitation and irritation
a little bubble
a breeding ground for spoiled snobs
boring and mundane
suburbia at its best
driving me crazy
where i have to spend my summer?
where i need to break out of
why i'm working downtown for the summer (that's right i found a job on queen w.)
making me want to sublet a place...seriously i wish i saved money to leave

back home

in an attempt to reboot i did a major overhaul in my bedroom today. my parents knew that coming home to etobicoke was not what i wanted to do so they helped set up a new closet for me. wooo hoo! i looked for a place to sublet but my lack of funds and hopes for graduate school in the future prevented it. so i began cleaning out my etobicoke room today, i did it in london right before i left, but this room had like high school baggage kicking around.
i just filled the giant black garbage bag to the brim of all personal baggage from the past. it's time to throw it there and keep it there. this way, at least i can look around my room and find peace. since i can't live downtown i thought i'd do the next best thing...find a job downtown. so off i go tomorrow morning to roam the streets of my favourite city and try to place i can call my second home at least.
wish me luck

cathartic

i feel like i've had the wind knocked out of me
like my stomach is twisted into knots and won't come loose.
i just want to unravel it, make sense of it and stop worrying about it. i have always had to talk to my girlfriends about guys and delivered the standard lines that they're not good enough, you can do better and that you don't deserve the treatment you've been getting. lately i've been hearing a lot of the same things out of my girls' mouths and i never believed it.
today i believe it
today as i pack my bags and get ready to move back to toronto, as much as it twists my stomach and hurts my head - i believe it
so as i took down the pictures and threw away the notes this song come onto my itunes and speaks volumes


There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save
- Stars

in honor of all this strength that i am mustering inside of me, i am getting my tattoo this week. it will be beautiful and will remind me that i've gotta do me right, and i have the strength to do it.

it's a wonderful life

as the countdowns continue, the diliriousness kicks in and the red bull intake has increased. club weldon and i continue to become closer friends, spending my afternoons and nights there for another week and then FREEDOM.
BUT i do have something to look forward to, i've decided to get a tattoo.
i always said i would only get a tattoo when i had the inspiration for it, when it meant something to me and signified something important. i woke up one morning and just knew what i wanted on my body, and i haven't stopped thinking about it since. so the appointment has been booked and this tattoo will be a celebration of the year that has passed and the roller coaster years that have gone by. i've done stupid shit in my days and gone down some paths that although i don't regret, definately took alot out of me and some say set me back. i disagree, they pushed me forward. so my tattoo will be a celebration of me, a strong individual who has had the power to make it through and continues to go forward.

if anyone remembers my industrial piercing and stretched ear holes of high school you'll know i'm not very good with needles. so wish me luck, can't wait to show you all this beauty.